WHAT? It's the end of 2014????

Well Well Well, yes it is. 
It's time for too much food and over stated and underplanned New Year's resolutions. I resolved not to make them. Yup. That's mine. haha. Seriously though, I do have goals. I always have goals. 
My goals ... I'm not gonna say them aloud because I'm sure when stated, they will be JUMPED ON and taken totally a part by those who can do better, have done better, don't think they make sense, don't need to do them, don't have goals and think it's dumb to have them etc... 
....so, just know that I do have goals - spiritual, emotional, physical, and educational. - I NEED GOALS... they are like grocery lists to me. Sure shopping without one is exciting but when you don't have a lot of extra money you just want to go in and get what you NEED. LIFE is short and I don't want to waste any more time wandering around it just grabbing at random pleasures or things that LOOK like they MIGHT be satisfying.
...I NEED GOALS... Just know it.
I'm always moving forward. I'm always living from one day FORWARD to the next and not BACKWARDS to yesterday.... 
I think it's healthy to have them. I think if you don't give yourself something to reach for, then you walk around with your hands in your pockets. If you were to fall with your hands in your pocket do you realize the damage you could do! BUT if you are reaching out already and you fall you can simply do a push up and end up right back on your feet!! 
Goals... the push up you life needs to stay upright.
Judge me if you will and judge me if you want... because that could be YOUR goal and I'm not one to STOP a person on a mission but at the same time, while on that mission of yours - get out of the way of my mission of accomplishing those goals of mine... or get marched on... 
....and Honey, these boots are made for Marching. Sorry Nancy Sanatra but yeah... they are.
I have noticed with each year my marching boots get heavier. Maybe it's because I need the added stability to stay grounded - either way - I dig em because I don't get knocked off my feet as easily as when I had on my baby slippers. AND these boots are great for kicking down doors and other obstacles. I LOVE stomping around my life and making noise. It lets me know I'm still alive.
I'm not sure if my noise will ever be audible for others to hear again... but it's right at a nice volume for me.
I will say this; I'm SO in love in the internet... still. I've been online now for like 15 years now and each year it gets more and more exciting. My computers get less and less fancy (I know, right?) but still I'm here and hanging in ... I actually own a tablet now. I know I said I never would. But then again, I also said I'd never publish and e-Book but I did that too... go figure.
Social Media... I love it... It fills the voids that my lifestyle has created and until those voids are filled with something else interesting - I'll be here on the internet via computer or phone. It's just how it is... NO EXCUSES!
Have a great end of year and new year. I look forward to reading what you're up too and sharing what I'm doing in my life.
IF... and only IF you don't like what I'm doing... or sharing.. guess what... DON'T READ IT... that's the power of social media.

Friends! Friends. Friends?

Friends! Friends. Friends?
What kind are you? Hard to tell, isn't it.
They say you can't have enough friends... sure you can. If the other option  is to have to TRY to make new ones and go through a bunch of crap and fake mess... I'll just keep the ones I've got. They love me, they deal with me, they are worth me saying I'm sorry too, and they worth me forgiving. I mean seriously WHY do I need more?
One thing I found this year - midst all the stress and aggravation this year brought to me - there were some people who were attempting to come into my life - as friends, lovers, frienemies, brothers, sisters and all all others... and it took me a minute before I realized they were just LOOKING for friends and not willing to be friends themselves... I ain't got TIME FA THAT!
I started out this year with 343 friends on FB and now I have 355... and I think that's mostly due to finding some relatives that wanted to 'keep in touch'.
My dear sistergirl used to always tell me - don't give them the power. She would ask me, WHY do you value what these people say so much...? I wasn't ready to hear all that I guess... until now.
She's right...
I have done so much this year only to end up with a life full of VIRTUAL relationships again... remember when that was a big deal. It was like Michelle get out of your house... Michelle go meet some REAL people... and what... look... I'm still talking to people online and even funnier... some of my CLOSEST friends are not at arms reach and I talk to THEM online now too! So even those I saw in person I don't SEE anymore... heck I'm more virtual NOW that I have a job and I leave my house everyday than I've EVER been...
It's okay. More donuts for me...
But seriously - I get out of my house a lot more than I used to and I'm taking care of business and health and all that... but I feel as though I'm invisible as I walk the streets... I think that's why when I catch someone's eye I'm so taken with them... it's like "You see me?"
That's when I realize I'm not alone - no, not at all. There are a million bagillion people who are 'by themselves' but not alone.
There isn't a DAY I don't talk to someone... a real person. That didn't happen in the past.
I lost my voice last week due to a head cold and didn't realize I couldn't speak until I got to work... I realize I hadn't said anything out loud. There was a time when talking to myself was all I did.
What am I blogging about - I don't know, but does it matter? What better do you have to do right now than read this? And if you've gotten this far... apparently nothing. You're probably a friend or someone who has been wondering if I'm 'worth' your friendship - hard to tell, isn't it.

Hello September

Hello September,
Just so you know, I've had eight... count them... eight hellacious months prior to your arrival. August, wasn't as bad as some of the others, however. Nonetheless, I did spent much of the month involved in mind blowing transitions. By the 31st I was exhausted and still not as close to inner peace as I like to be - oh and still broke as a joke.
What I'd like from you, is a pay check that does more than just pays things - like rent. Even if I could just get ONE from you this month (since I only get paid once a month), that would be great. This accomplished feat would change a lot because I already kinda see what you might have in store for me - and dang - it's expensive. Already, I'm not really happy about it - but I know you gotta bring what you gotta bring. Nonetheless, outside of that - maybe you could just take it a little easier on this 'seasoned' chick. Maybe you could allow me to finished my little novel, take off a few pounds, sew up a few pieces of fabric, sell a little coffee for my brother, and maybe kiss a couple of boys - HEY too much? I'll pass on the last one.. sorry I said it... sorry I even brought that one up...
Today, I'm going to spend the day organizing stuff so that I don't need more than 24 hours in a day to get things done... because I'm thinking, you're probably a month that only has 24 hour days also... am I right?
Cooler weather (especially in San Jose) would be AWESOME... I'll take it. A local job or at least an interview with a local school would be fab tab u lous... I'd def trade kissing a boy for that one!
So anyway, thank you for arriving. I'm blessed to be able to see you through the door. Make yourself at home... yeah there isn't much to eat here but as you know - August was summer - I'm a substitute teacher... ENOUGH said on the money thing (wank wank)... you feel me? So yeah, that would be a great place for you to start ... if you wondering where to start in the "Holding Dr MeChee's Life Together in 2013" mission.
So I sound bitter? I'm sorry, I'm not - really - I'm not, and I promise not to take out any of the other month's issues on you! Noooo, you won't find me collapsed on the sofa crying and carrying on for the past month's beatings. I've pretty good about not just giving up and or giving in.
Oh, that show helps... you know... "24". Yeah, I watch it like a crackhead. It takes my mind off reality.
Candy Crush and Disney Girl? Yeah those too.
So, anyway, let me get my coffee and step out on the patio before I dive into that back room and start making my way to the sewing machine.
I'll be sitting down with you - probably tomorrow and um... kinda just like, going over some things I want to to this month and you can like.. jump right in if you wanna be like... "Oh HAY El nah... I plan to bring in like... some elephants to sit on your leg...since I know you don't have any medical insurance..." or something crazy like that. If you could just five me like, a little prep, that would be great... I know... I know... you all signed an "UNFORESEEN EVENTS" clause... but I just can't believe you all had NO CLUE that all this *ish was about to go down this year... but anyway... let me not go there. It makes me say bad words and well, they are getting kind of expensive too... a quarter each. YEAH, I pay a quarter each for them bad boys.
Well anyway, you have a great day, and I will do the same... right? Are we good? Okay...
We're off to September!

Say it Loud... I'm Black and You're Confused!

This message is mainly for certain Black men I know and new ones I have met ... and you know who you are...

FIRST let me state this...No Offense intended to my White sister-girls...

BUT...

I will NOT allow myself to be compared to a white woman as if that is the true 'mark' and measure of self worth and value, that I must live 'UP' to. I won't be measured by any other woman on any level, quality or trait

... but hear me out!

I am venting on a very specific issue here...

It is quite alright that Black men choose to be inter-racially involved. The law allows that now - it's not a big deal. BUT when some decide to be intra-racially denigrating as if being involved with a woman of his own culture, background and skin tone, is beneath him - because of the aforementioned traits, that's where I get highly agitated.

Over the weekend, a black man (during a speed date) said to me - now that I'm getting older, I thought I'd "TRY" talking to a black woman ... one within my age bracket. I wanted to 'SEE' what that would be like... SO FAR... you seem normal and CLOSE to what I'm USED TO... what the HADES did that mean... ?

That last question is rhetorical... trust me... I lived with such 'THOUGHTS' or lack of ... for over two years with Mr. C. (with his TYPE- penchants, proclivities, and 'extreme' preference for white women). It was to the point of making me physically ill most days...

I feel sorry for those men who can't see what's in their hearts because their eyes are blinded by color...

But... I'm never going to try to CHANGE their minds or their feelings, or their prejudices. All I do know however, is that I refuse to give them more than 30 seconds of my time... which is about as long as it takes for me to see through to the bottom of their shallow pools...

The term Angry Black Woman was probably invented by the very same Black man who pissed her off by offering her such ignorance as I have been discussing here -- dismissing her because of the color of her skin... as if this alone defined her, cursed her. In my thoughts, he tried to convince her of this lie, expecting her to believe it, value it, and take it on as if it was a burden worth carrying.

Emotionally Volatile... that's what black women in the workplace are said to be by researchers on the subject (Hofsted, 1945). Perhaps the researchers needed to do a home study... see if these very same black women woke up to a black man telling her "if only you were white you'd be perfect".... grrrr.

Okay, that is my VENT for today... oh... and tomorrow too, if it comes up again.